Love/Hate

You hate someone whom you really wish to love, but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. That is a disguised form of love.

By hating that person, you have lost something very sweet in yourself.

This is where confusion falls into play!

You listening!

The confusion of love and hate!

There is a thin line.

When the two start to flirt with each other, there is a problem.

The problem is now you can't point out which is which!

You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.

I've reached my breaking point where to two have become my obvious.

People will never seen the good because they have so much negative in front of them BUT its the people who are good, those very few people we hold on too and if we don't,

Its lost.

Usually I write riddles but since this blog is personal,

I can't gather my words correctly.

As I write,

I draw blanks,

I freeze,

I just sit here like a deer in head lights.

I guess I can only say this:

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly"

Guess I didn't luck out this time!

Hate/Love!

Ourselves

This was the first blog inspired by all of the above. I've never made a shout out! Thanks Ryan

It takes time to find ourselves!

Defining who we are as people,

And who we are together as one.

We don't see how everything around us has an effect on how we true out.

Its a choice.

We either learn and hold our feelings and emotions against us, or

We learn and grown.

Life does not happen to us, it happens from us.

It is not in looking that we find, but in the looking, it finds us.

Things such as,

Drama, happiness, pain, seduction, or my favorite, Love!

I remember when falling in love was so new and exciting!

It was fresh and obtained its innocent.

Damn those days are dreams with in my own dreams.

Something people should realize, is this.

Everything, even a hardship, can be a gift.

From the right perspective, there is always an opportunity to improve ourselves.

We just have to find the courage to express everything we are and everything we dream to be.

Doctors, lawyers, social workers, hair stylist, professional athletes, musicians, the list goes on.

It's not WHO you were that defines you. It's WHO you chose to be.

WHO you need to be.

Ourselves!

The world is what we make of it. No longer what is shown to us.

Its funny I was asked a question recently on a date...

The question was:

"Life is always in harmony with itself. Why isn't humanity?"

I responded:

"If you stop and listen, and I mean really listen, you will see that the whole Universe sings in harmony with you.

Our only problem is humanity."

Ourselves!

It always intrigue's me how no one can tell you what you believe, but we believe what people tell us.

If I leave you with anything its this:

When people refuse to see proof, they automatically think their belief helps them so, losing it will cost more then gaining it from a perhaps more truthfully story.

Makes since?

I can tell you it is not, but one will never see that when in doubt.

I refuse to doubt.

I refuse to hurt.

To be used.

To hate!

Our choices of what to believe in life, makes our life the way it is now.

We are shaped by the beliefs we choose to carry.

In other words,

We discover in ourselves what others hide from us and we recognize in others what we hide from ourselves.

I've found myself and taking the next step forward.

I'm not perfect but I'm me!

Myself, and I!

I am Roo.

I am a writer.

I am a friend.

I am a lover!

I am...

Ourselves

In Wondering whats Real & Great

What is it about people, that when they blog they talk about everyone and thing.

There is no meaning.

Its like a drama network.

Me, me, me,

I, I, I

Damn!

Doesn't anybody tell a story anymore?

Talk about the wonderful day you had.

Your thoughts, your desires, your passions, your flaws.

The list goes one.

Time

Time is of the essence we cant receive back.

Its hard to grasp that concept

Time waisted is far worse.

I've waisted time

Everyone WAIST TIME!

The only difference between others and I is that I refuse to acknowledge that fact that my time was a waist.

I can only clock in on a new time sheet and start my time over.

Want to here a funny joke?

I have been hurt over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Just recently I gave money out that I thought was owned and it was used for something else.

So its money stolen.

Who cares.

Shit happens.

All you and I can do it move on and continue with our days.

You know what the problem with most people?

We all think that we're going to be great but sometimes,

We fall short.

Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected.

You gotta wonder,

Why do we cling to our expectations?

After 4 days of thinking I have the answer.

The expectations is what keep us...

Still...

Standing...!

The expected is the beginning

The unexpected is what changes our lives.

Which are you?

Ive always been one for words when it came to my writing.

I have so many pieces written and unfinished in my phone.

Note written to me.

I plan to post them and start my auto biography.

Some will have many things to say

Others...

Well lets just say,

Will get to know the true me!

The writer who was,

Who is,

and Who I have become

Me Myself & I

I have never been this honest and quit frankly I don't give a damn what anyone thinks at this point.

This is not me putting my business out there.

I am a writer so there for I point out facts, flaws, time of events and Truth.

I'm 20 years old and I feel like I've lived a life time.

Growing up in a semi-dysfunctional home, its takes a tole on how the mind works.

In my case I advanced.

I was not alway this confident in my writing.

Actually,

I wasn't always confident.

I was put down a lot growing up.

Told I was ugly, would never amount to anything, etc

Placed in foster care at the age of 12.

I became more angry with everything and one around me.

I felt everything was fault.

My parents not staying together.

This dysfunction in my life.

Everything is plain sight crumbled in front of me.

No one would ever listen to me and understood where I was coming from.

They didn't know how I felt until I was 14

I met 28 year old Victoria Stafford.

She was a unit manager and the most loving person I had ever met at that time.

Now, in all reality I was a difficult child and most certainty a difficult women.

But there was something about her.

She saw good in me.

Past the angry kid who was always fighting, yelling screaming, breaking things, and not communicating.

She saw a child crying out for help.

Someone in need of a shoulder to lean on, to understand and most importantly to be loved.

Vicky became very sick suddenly and I remember this so well because I was playing a game with her and i remember saying go home before you get me sick.

She laughed and went home at 6:48 p.m August 14, 2004

She was admitted into St. Peters Hospital that night and 2 days later she passed.

The last thing I remember Vicky telling me was,

"Nadina, you are the most inspiring little girl I have ever met. Your so full of life. Your angry but thats not who you are. Dont let it consume you because it will destroy you."

Now 20 years old,

In my 3rd year of college on a track scholarship and a perfect GPA I find myself back in the boat.

Ive been hurt to many times in my life, thou I'm not perfect.

Its always been hard for me to communicate, open up with people, and let them in.

Lies told, promises broken, love lost.

Its like an on going process and a ride that I hate to ride.

When it comes to my anger, its a side I hate to show and lately I find myself showing it more and more.

Yelling, breaking things, crying, just depressed and thats not who I am.

Laid back, go with the flow, smiling, deep, loving, all the qualities of a Phenomenal Women.

Maya Angelou said:

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean."

Destroying myself for what?

For them?

People who have nothing to do with me?

People who are still and will continue to live their lives?

That's stupid.

I sit here now and realize all my fault in life and I say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being someone I'm not.

I take full responsibility for what have done.

I guess I am growing up!

Like water falls,

My heart pores out like the a Violin holding that beautiful lasting note at the end of a recital.

Holding On!

Thats the point!

I'm a fighter.

I'm strong!

Continuing to grow and become a women.

Independence!

I have HOPE!

My family as well as my adopted family have been my BIGGEST supporters.

For everyone I have hurt,

Sorry doesn't begin to cut it!

Change shows through all things we do in life and defines us as WHO WE ARE!

I sit her crying because I wounder what people would say about me after reading thing.

I have re-wrote thins at least a thousand times.

I've reached the point where I don't give a damn about what people say, think, or how they will react to what, and who I do.

I pray that things will work themselves out and I can have that feeling again of being that little girl safe in your arms and knowing I'm the only one!

It was nice to Meet you!

We're it all began

This wasn't suppose to happen...

You and I

Us...

Whatever this was...It never should have happened.

What started off as,"It was nice you meet you...(hand shake)" to,

"I never want to speak to you again"

My love for him was and is outstanding.

At one point he told me, someone as stupid as an ex would dumb enough to let a girl like me go.

Months later, it was all game.

Things that never made since to me, started to come out.

Lies told started to unfold right infront of my very eyes.

That night we made love,

It was only I making love to him thinking of only him and he thinking of all the others.

He told me he loved me.

That was a joke.

You see,

Love, is something I don't take being toyed around with kindly.

The hurt and pain I have gone through.

We started dating later January of 2010

February 5, 2010 you had a bitch in your hotel room.

February 16 we had a big blow out...that night after you had a bitch in your home.

I could go on for days!

You told me you changed, but still haven't let go of your past,

Your ex, the women, anything...

Who am I to judge.

I feel in love with a man who didn't love me.

The hardest thing to come to grips with is realizing in life,

its hard to let love go or see it walk away...

Always wondering what if.

The hurt is amazing but once its overcome you will be okay.

Ive hurt for the finial time...

Love never dies a natural death.

It dies because we dont know how to replenish its source.

It dies of blindness,errors and betrayals.

It dies of illness and wounds.

Its dies or weariness, withering, and by the tarnishing.

Now I sit here with my tarnished heart mending it on my own and for the last time.

You have lied, and fooled me.

You never gave anything up.

But now I give up on you!

The realization is this...

I have said you will realize what you had when its gone, but in all honestly you wont...

And that is what hurts the most...

"It was nice to meet you...(hand shake)"

Dreams

Dreams...

They are the untold stories of our lives.

Suppressed memories, forbidden thoughts, or just our own little reality shows.

They are the words unspoken of our untold selves.

There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality and then there are those who turn one into the other.

I once heard,

"Dreams are the illustrations of the book your soul is writing about you"

Wow!

That's deep.

Something I've been wondering...

Why is it that we dream?

Is it because we are to scared to speak, deal, or even realize things and moments in our lives?

Fears of the truth?

What is it?

People do think that if they avoid the truth, it might change to something better before they have to hear or deal with it.

That's entirely wrong if you ask me.

If you don't speak, your suppressing the issue.

Then it becomes worse.

You begin to let it eat away at you!

I know from experience.

I'm one who knows you shouldn't let your thoughts become your reality.

Dreams are met to be a place of peace.

Yours and mines utopia.

Our world of no worries, peace, love, and seduction.

Knowing is the most profound kind of love, giving someone the gift of knowledge about yourself.

Thats what I do when I blog.

Blogging to me is My Dream!

My words are perfect.

Each correctly thought out to perfection .

Edgar Allan Poe once wrote:

"All that we see or have seen is but a dream within a dream."

I finally understand what he is saying.

Pondering life and our existence.

Like awakening to another life, the same person from a dream.

Maybe he trying to say that when we pass out from one life and we go into another, like resurrection.

Traveling from one dream to another.

With no thought in mind but only our dreams.

Happiness

Happiness is something that everyone strives for.

NEWSFLASH...

You can't find happiness in others but only from within yourself.

What most people don't realize is that,

Happiness is never stopping to think if you are happy.

You already know!

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable rather than, risk being happy.

I for one feel like I used to be someone like that.

I find myself to this day struggling with this.

I'm a strong believe in that

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

I do this NON STOP!

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

Happiness is excitement that has found a settling down place.

But there is always a little corner that keeps flapping around.

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

If there is something I can leave you with is my one thought about happiness,

"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad."

Which are you?