Me Myself & I

I have never been this honest and quit frankly I don't give a damn what anyone thinks at this point.

This is not me putting my business out there.

I am a writer so there for I point out facts, flaws, time of events and Truth.

I'm 20 years old and I feel like I've lived a life time.

Growing up in a semi-dysfunctional home, its takes a tole on how the mind works.

In my case I advanced.

I was not alway this confident in my writing.

Actually,

I wasn't always confident.

I was put down a lot growing up.

Told I was ugly, would never amount to anything, etc

Placed in foster care at the age of 12.

I became more angry with everything and one around me.

I felt everything was fault.

My parents not staying together.

This dysfunction in my life.

Everything is plain sight crumbled in front of me.

No one would ever listen to me and understood where I was coming from.

They didn't know how I felt until I was 14

I met 28 year old Victoria Stafford.

She was a unit manager and the most loving person I had ever met at that time.

Now, in all reality I was a difficult child and most certainty a difficult women.

But there was something about her.

She saw good in me.

Past the angry kid who was always fighting, yelling screaming, breaking things, and not communicating.

She saw a child crying out for help.

Someone in need of a shoulder to lean on, to understand and most importantly to be loved.

Vicky became very sick suddenly and I remember this so well because I was playing a game with her and i remember saying go home before you get me sick.

She laughed and went home at 6:48 p.m August 14, 2004

She was admitted into St. Peters Hospital that night and 2 days later she passed.

The last thing I remember Vicky telling me was,

"Nadina, you are the most inspiring little girl I have ever met. Your so full of life. Your angry but thats not who you are. Dont let it consume you because it will destroy you."

Now 20 years old,

In my 3rd year of college on a track scholarship and a perfect GPA I find myself back in the boat.

Ive been hurt to many times in my life, thou I'm not perfect.

Its always been hard for me to communicate, open up with people, and let them in.

Lies told, promises broken, love lost.

Its like an on going process and a ride that I hate to ride.

When it comes to my anger, its a side I hate to show and lately I find myself showing it more and more.

Yelling, breaking things, crying, just depressed and thats not who I am.

Laid back, go with the flow, smiling, deep, loving, all the qualities of a Phenomenal Women.

Maya Angelou said:

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean."

Destroying myself for what?

For them?

People who have nothing to do with me?

People who are still and will continue to live their lives?

That's stupid.

I sit here now and realize all my fault in life and I say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being someone I'm not.

I take full responsibility for what have done.

I guess I am growing up!

Like water falls,

My heart pores out like the a Violin holding that beautiful lasting note at the end of a recital.

Holding On!

Thats the point!

I'm a fighter.

I'm strong!

Continuing to grow and become a women.

Independence!

I have HOPE!

My family as well as my adopted family have been my BIGGEST supporters.

For everyone I have hurt,

Sorry doesn't begin to cut it!

Change shows through all things we do in life and defines us as WHO WE ARE!

I sit her crying because I wounder what people would say about me after reading thing.

I have re-wrote thins at least a thousand times.

I've reached the point where I don't give a damn about what people say, think, or how they will react to what, and who I do.

I pray that things will work themselves out and I can have that feeling again of being that little girl safe in your arms and knowing I'm the only one!

It was nice to Meet you!

We're it all began

This wasn't suppose to happen...

You and I

Us...

Whatever this was...It never should have happened.

What started off as,"It was nice you meet you...(hand shake)" to,

"I never want to speak to you again"

My love for him was and is outstanding.

At one point he told me, someone as stupid as an ex would dumb enough to let a girl like me go.

Months later, it was all game.

Things that never made since to me, started to come out.

Lies told started to unfold right infront of my very eyes.

That night we made love,

It was only I making love to him thinking of only him and he thinking of all the others.

He told me he loved me.

That was a joke.

You see,

Love, is something I don't take being toyed around with kindly.

The hurt and pain I have gone through.

We started dating later January of 2010

February 5, 2010 you had a bitch in your hotel room.

February 16 we had a big blow out...that night after you had a bitch in your home.

I could go on for days!

You told me you changed, but still haven't let go of your past,

Your ex, the women, anything...

Who am I to judge.

I feel in love with a man who didn't love me.

The hardest thing to come to grips with is realizing in life,

its hard to let love go or see it walk away...

Always wondering what if.

The hurt is amazing but once its overcome you will be okay.

Ive hurt for the finial time...

Love never dies a natural death.

It dies because we dont know how to replenish its source.

It dies of blindness,errors and betrayals.

It dies of illness and wounds.

Its dies or weariness, withering, and by the tarnishing.

Now I sit here with my tarnished heart mending it on my own and for the last time.

You have lied, and fooled me.

You never gave anything up.

But now I give up on you!

The realization is this...

I have said you will realize what you had when its gone, but in all honestly you wont...

And that is what hurts the most...

"It was nice to meet you...(hand shake)"

Dreams

Dreams...

They are the untold stories of our lives.

Suppressed memories, forbidden thoughts, or just our own little reality shows.

They are the words unspoken of our untold selves.

There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality and then there are those who turn one into the other.

I once heard,

"Dreams are the illustrations of the book your soul is writing about you"

Wow!

That's deep.

Something I've been wondering...

Why is it that we dream?

Is it because we are to scared to speak, deal, or even realize things and moments in our lives?

Fears of the truth?

What is it?

People do think that if they avoid the truth, it might change to something better before they have to hear or deal with it.

That's entirely wrong if you ask me.

If you don't speak, your suppressing the issue.

Then it becomes worse.

You begin to let it eat away at you!

I know from experience.

I'm one who knows you shouldn't let your thoughts become your reality.

Dreams are met to be a place of peace.

Yours and mines utopia.

Our world of no worries, peace, love, and seduction.

Knowing is the most profound kind of love, giving someone the gift of knowledge about yourself.

Thats what I do when I blog.

Blogging to me is My Dream!

My words are perfect.

Each correctly thought out to perfection .

Edgar Allan Poe once wrote:

"All that we see or have seen is but a dream within a dream."

I finally understand what he is saying.

Pondering life and our existence.

Like awakening to another life, the same person from a dream.

Maybe he trying to say that when we pass out from one life and we go into another, like resurrection.

Traveling from one dream to another.

With no thought in mind but only our dreams.

Happiness

Happiness is something that everyone strives for.

NEWSFLASH...

You can't find happiness in others but only from within yourself.

What most people don't realize is that,

Happiness is never stopping to think if you are happy.

You already know!

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable rather than, risk being happy.

I for one feel like I used to be someone like that.

I find myself to this day struggling with this.

I'm a strong believe in that

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

I do this NON STOP!

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

Happiness is excitement that has found a settling down place.

But there is always a little corner that keeps flapping around.

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

If there is something I can leave you with is my one thought about happiness,

"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad."

Which are you?

Life

SOOOO...I've come to the realization, the longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. My life that is! My Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, not so much my education, the money I make, circumstances, my failure and successes, and than my favorite, what other people think or say or do. Fuck them! My life is more important than appearance, giftedness or skills. It will make or break a company... a church... even a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We can't change our past...but only learn and grow from it. We adapt and not make the same mistakes. I must admit that I have made a few of the same but I'm a work in progress. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the invisible . The only thing we can do is play the one good string on out violins that we have, and that is our attitude. Hell my attitude! I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it, so I charge my Attitude on life! Why be stress and pissed off all the time. Its doing nothing for you but bringing tears to your eyes, gray hair and more deaths!

Life!

-RubyRoo

Special Olympics and Life

A few years ago, at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100 yard dash.

At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race to finish and win.All, that is, except one boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy. They slowed down and looked back. Everyone one of them. One girl who had down's syndrome bent down and kissed him and said,"This will make it better." After getting him off the ground, all nine linked arms and walked across the finish line together. Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on fro several minutes! People who were there are still telling this story believe it or not. Why?

Because deep down we all know one thing.

What matters most in this life is more than winning for ourselves, but in this life helping others to win, even if it means slowing down and changing our own courses!

This is something a lot of people should honestly think about and put into thought.

Regardless of what I'm going through right now,

I will always slow down and change my course for someone else because thats what I do.

I love to help others.

Even if that makes me look like an ass hole!

Its happened.

An ex, close friends, etc.

But who care what they think.

I will continue to be me,

Loving, willing to do anything for anyone regardless of what or how I feel.

If there is anything I can leave you with its this,

I work for the center of disability,.

I don't want praise or people saying,"theres a spot waiting for u in heaven because your helping"them""

Its something I choose to do and love!

People!

I put in time so that I can help others no different from you or I.

I feel people should be more like me.

Strong, and confident within my line of work!!!

Just a thought!

There is no "I" in TEAM!

Work & Life

There is so much work to be done in such little time.

Everyday I struggle to get up and go to work because I'm so used to sleeping in and being waited on hand and foot.

My relationship is falling apart because he moved back to Utica and my best friends I've had since high school , we're not talking.

Things are somewhat stressful.

Feelings are mixed up and I don't know what to do.

I was told that an institution isn't a place but a state of mind, meaning

you can in trapped in your own mind thoughts emotions etc.

I work for the Center of Disability.

That place isn't an institution but a home to them.

A place where they can call home and feel safe.

Not have to be different.

In my eyes they are not but they are people just as you and I.

I need a vacation!