I have never been this honest and quit frankly I don't give a damn what anyone thinks at this point.This is not me putting my business out there.
I am a writer so there for I point out facts, flaws, time of events and Truth.
I'm 20 years old and I feel like I've lived a life time.
Growing up in a semi-dysfunctional home, its takes a tole on how the mind works.
In my case I advanced.
I was not alway this confident in my writing.
Actually,
I wasn't always confident.
I was put down a lot growing up.
Told I was ugly, would never amount to anything, etc
Placed in foster care at the age of 12.
I became more angry with everything and one around me.
I felt everything was fault.
My parents not staying together.
This dysfunction in my life.
Everything is plain sight crumbled in front of me.
No one would ever listen to me and understood where I was coming from.
They didn't know how I felt until I was 14
I met 28 year old Victoria Stafford.
She was a unit manager and the most loving person I had ever met at that time.
Now, in all reality I was a difficult child and most certainty a difficult women.
But there was something about her.
She saw good in me.
Past the angry kid who was always fighting, yelling screaming, breaking things, and not communicating.
She saw a child crying out for help.
Someone in need of a shoulder to lean on, to understand and most importantly to be loved.
Vicky became very sick suddenly and I remember this so well because I was playing a game with her and i remember saying go home before you get me sick.
She laughed and went home at 6:48 p.m August 14, 2004
She was admitted into St. Peters Hospital that night and 2 days later she passed.
The last thing I remember Vicky telling me was,
"Nadina, you are the most inspiring little girl I have ever met. Your so full of life. Your angry but thats not who you are. Dont let it consume you because it will destroy you."
Now 20 years old,
In my 3rd year of college on a track scholarship and a perfect GPA I find myself back in the boat.
Ive been hurt to many times in my life, thou I'm not perfect.
Its always been hard for me to communicate, open up with people, and let them in.
Lies told, promises broken, love lost.
Its like an on going process and a ride that I hate to ride.
When it comes to my anger, its a side I hate to show and lately I find myself showing it more and more.
Yelling, breaking things, crying, just depressed and thats not who I am.
Laid back, go with the flow, smiling, deep, loving, all the qualities of a Phenomenal Women.
Maya Angelou said:
"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean."
Destroying myself for what?
For them?
People who have nothing to do with me?
People who are still and will continue to live their lives?
That's stupid.
I sit here now and realize all my fault in life and I say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being someone I'm not.
I take full responsibility for what have done.
I guess I am growing up!
Like water falls,
My heart pores out like the a Violin holding that beautiful lasting note at the end of a recital.
Holding On!
Thats the point!
I'm a fighter.
I'm strong!
Continuing to grow and become a women.
Independence!
I have HOPE!
My family as well as my adopted family have been my BIGGEST supporters.
For everyone I have hurt,
Sorry doesn't begin to cut it!
Change shows through all things we do in life and defines us as WHO WE ARE!
I sit her crying because I wounder what people would say about me after reading thing.
I have re-wrote thins at least a thousand times.
I've reached the point where I don't give a damn about what people say, think, or how they will react to what, and who I do.
I pray that things will work themselves out and I can have that feeling again of being that little girl safe in your arms and knowing I'm the only one!
